A LITTLE SECRET

It happened a little too suddenly. I don know where it came from, that strange feeling.

I just sat there in my room as usual listening to music, pen in hand, and my diary on the table before me. The headset blocked out all sounds, and I sat there oblivious to the world around me. My eyes were closed and nothing was going through my mind. It was just…blank.

I had no idea why it happened, but my eyes suddenly flared open and my mind was in a whir. I sucked in my breath and felt weird in my chest. This strange feeling that I could not comprehend. My heart thumped wildly and I could feel my blood rushing through my veins. Shivers could be felt running down my spine as everything started to get colder, not having the slightest idea of what was going on. I looked down into my diary and two drops fell from my eyes onto the page.

Am I crying? ” I wondered as I looked at the blotches in my diary. My sight became bleary with tears, and I was so confused. My heart was heavy with this sort of loss. From deep within, I knew I had lost something, something precious, something dear to me that no one could replace, and it hurt bad. It felt like thousands of nails were piercing my chest. I clutched my chest, feeling the sharp pain from within me, and realized I was gasping for air.

”Whats going on? ” Tears flowed down my face on their own accord and I felt sad, hurt, and empty like someone had pulled out my organs.

What did I lose, or who it was Id lost? I couldn tell but wanted to know so badly. I had to know it. Where did this come from, this feeling of loss, where did it come from? Pain, fear, grief…complicated feelings that made no sense. None of it felt right, all the feelings that stirred within me.

I felt like tearing everything apart and screaming, but no…I didn . I grit my teeth and endured the pain as silently as I could, unable to move even an inch as the slightest movement racked my body with pain crazily. I kept mute, thinking of what, or who it was that I had lost. The tears flowed down endlessly like a river. They just came, and I had no control over them. I really couldn think straight. The more my mind focused on the feeling, the more I became certain that someone dear to me had left me behind, and that we might never meet again. But who? Who is it?

Why did you leave me behind??!. Slowly, frustration found its way, creeping into me and I was more eager to know. I was pissed, so freakin pissed.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?!!

My emotions snapped, I couldn control them, and no matter what, I couldn guess who it was. Family? The family was fine. Friends? I didn think it was possible. I kept wondering, but then I suddenly felt like a huge boulder was being dropped on me as a thought flashed through my mind. A blurred image of that person came to mind.

”Is it you? ” I realized I was speaking to myself, and my voice was raspy and dry, almost like I was choking. I opened my eyes to find myself on the floor. The chair was tipped over beside me, indicating my fall which I never noticed. I shut my eyes tightly again and felt numb all over. My head throbbed with pain and I felt like I was falling, falling into an endless hole of darkness. The same image came again into my minds eye sending a wave of pain through my body. That person stood there silently, acknowledging me with only the back. It seemed so close, yet so far away. I noted that my presence was being ignored and wanted to call, but could not find my voice. The image started to fade away like a fresh painting being washed with water, and I panicked. I felt my heart racing, and that was when I realized I was losing consciousness as everything started to grow dim.

I forced my eyes open, and the image became clear again. I had my eyes on the back of that person, irritated that I was being ignored.

”TURN AROUND! LOOK AT ME, GODAMNIT! DO YOU HATE ME?